IT IS NOT OKAY!

My heart has been heavy and broken this week!  Anger and deep sadness have overwhelmed me.  Sleep has escaped my eyes as I think about and pray about all of the events and circumstances of this week.  Where can I even begin? 

Well, I guess I can just preface it all with some ironic context.  First, a couple weeks ago I watched 'Cyber Bully' on Netflix.  It is a lifetime channel movie based on a true story about a teenage girl who is bullied not only at school, but then online on a social networking site.  Things get so bad that eventually she just breaks down and attempts suicide.  Luckily she lives, but there are so many who don't actually make it out alive and well.  Bullying was not the only thing going on in her life, she had also been dealing with divorced parents and friendship tensions. 

I know in my life, when I was depressed and eventually developed suicidal thoughts, it was NOT just one thing that caused those thoughts to enter into my mind.  Many things added on top of one another, and me feeling as though I had no one to talk to about it (as well as not exactly knowing how) helped the process along.  Hopelessness, despair, feeling alone, isolated, deep sadness, and other emotions overwhelmed me daily.  I looked to so many different things for help, but there were moments when I just thought my only option was to end my own life. 

Even knowing what I knew from years of going to church, camp, bible studies, personal prayer times, nothing could remove this hopelessness.  I hated when people would say 'Emily, I cannot help you...only Jesus can!'  I just always thought that was a lame excuse and they were just giving up on me because they no longer cared and I was too much of a burden.  But now (due to recent and past revelations/events) that it is in fact truth!  It is offensive and hard to hear when there are feelings of deep hopelessness and depression sets in full gear.  However, the 'reason' it is true is that no one, no other human is worthy to help.  Weak, broken, sinful people cannot change your mindset because they are too weak, broken and sinful.  Jesus is God made flesh!  He is NOT weak, He is NOT broken, and He is NOT sinful.  None of these, though He is fully human is true about His nature because He is fully God.  He chose to sacrifice Himself for us and for our sins.  He was the ONLY one who could do this because He was sinless and without any flaw.  That being said, He is truly the ONLY one who could not only help, but wants to help!

Before He went to the cross for crucifixion, He prayed intensely to the point of bleeding for us and about the destruction of sin that He would take on fully.  In Luke 22:39-46, Jesus is alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, with only a few disciples standing watch and praying with Him nearby.  Jesus walks on a little farther to pray.  But when He returns to His disciples who were supposed to be praying with Him and standing watch were asleep.  

Luke 22:39-36 “Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives.  There he told them, ‘Pray that you will not give in to temptation.’ He walked away, about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.’  Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him.  He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.  At last he stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief.  ‘Why are you sleeping?’ he asked them. ‘Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation.’” (NLT)

Jesus' closest friends and His disciples could not pray with Him for a little while in His darkest moments.  I don't want that to be said about me, as His friend.  When He is saddened about something I want to share in His sorrows.  Likewise, when He is rejoicing over something, I want to be celebrating with Him.  

If He hates sin, I want to hate sin.  

If He fights for righteousness, I want to fight with Him.

If He loves even those who hate Him, I want to love my enemies.

If He is the servant of all, I want to be a servant.

If He hates wickedness, I want to hate wickeness

.

.

.

Last week, I finished reading a book entitled 'A Cry for Justice:Overcome anger, reject bitterness, and trust in Jesus who will fight for you' by Shelley Hundley*.  I highly recommend it.  I was able to relate to a lot of the things she spoke about in the book and was also able to understand and see things in a new light.  A fresh outlook on situations and circumstances in my life and how the Lord felt about it has given me more peace and joy!  (*You can purchase this book online at amazon.com for $10 and under.)

He hates wickedness and He is my Judge, not just my Lord, Saviors, Bridegroom and King.  The things that have been done and said to me in the past, He cares about and He calls them wrong!  The physical and emotional abuse I was so traumatized from in my childhood is no small thing in His eyes.  He calls wrong things wrong.  No matter the scale, and not comparing to others' pain...He cared then and He cares now.  Given that revelation of the truth of who He is, has helped me to understand that I can let it go because He won't.  He will judge those who did me the wrong, and me for wronging others.  With that last part in mind, and also knowing what Matthew 6:14-15 says "'If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others your Father will not forgive you.'" (NLT)  That terrifies me and helps me to then go about forgiving all those who hurt me, both in the past, and in the present.  Now, as I move forward in forgiveness, I find myself even crying out for mercy on their behalf, because if I want to be shown mercy, I must also show mercy.  Matthew 5:7 " God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy." (NLT)

All this being said, I now want to share with you a terrible event that happened this past week.  

Last Tuesday night, right as I was logging off of Facebook, a status caught my eye.  It was from one of the moms that used to have kids in the daycare I worked at in Minnesota.  She had said that her daughter (13yrs. old), one of my best buddies at the daycare, had attempted suicide because of school bullying!  I sat there in shock, not knowing whether to cry, or call her, or get in my car and drive to Atlanta where they now live.  After a little bit, I then called a friend of mine whose mom owned the daycare, and told her about it.  Shock is such a lame word to use to explain what I felt.  I felt terrified, sad, angry at this injustice against her, angry (in general), thankful that she was alive, and so many more emotions!  I cannot even imagine what her mom and family felt.  I am not even going to try.  The next 3 hours consisted of texting intercessors to pray for this little girl, crying, sobbing, obsessively refreshing facebook newsfeed, and crying out in prayer for this girl.  I eventually fell asleep way past my bedtime.  I don't care that I only got a short sleep that night or nights after.  

I couldn't help but acknowledge that what happened to this girl...that could have been me when I was about her age.  Yes, I attempted, but never got that far, never to the point of needing hospitalization.  I hate that this happened and I have been talking with my friend, Jesus about it.  I had been praying the week earlier to become closer to Him, I wanted to feel what He felt about things happening in my life, in the lives around me, in the nations, etc.  He answered my request!  I don't know how to explain it exactly, but as I prayed for this little girl, I began to feel this deep sorrow that seemed to be planted in me as I prayed.  I began to feel righteous anger towards the wrong that had been done to her.  A burden to pray was planted in me, one that I am grateful for, even though it hurts and takes a lot out of me.  What happened is NOT okay.  No one can comfort me with words like 'It's ok Em...it's going to be okay.' No actually, this is NOT okay!  I know they mean well, but we need to realize that this is NOT okay!  We need a Judge!  Jesus will judge the wrong done to her and others around the world.  Right now, what victims like her need to realize is that Jesus not only loves her, but that He loves her so much that He is going to avenge her!  Yes, it is terrifying, but He is just and true in His judgements.  

Some might say that bullying may be pretty 'low' on the 'sin' scale, but my God did not make a scale to weigh which sin is worse than others.  Sin is sin.  Wrong is wrong.  Right is right.  Truth is truth.  This is hope.  

I want to be such a close friend to Jesus that He takes me with Him as He goes to pray.  I want to be one who stands watch and prays with Him.  He wants partnership?  Then I accept!  

Luke 18:7-8 "' And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?  I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?'”(NIV)

Well, that's it for now.  Please keep this little girl and her mom and family in your prayers as they continue the rest of their lives and for their healing.  It is a wonderful miracle that this little girl survived and I am so thankful!  I know there are many other stories with a different outcome and my heart breaks for those as well!  I am so thankful that He has delivered me and healed me from my depression and suicidal thoughts.  I know what it is like to live day to day, night after night of unending torture in my thoughts.  But now I know that not only is it possible to live free, but I really am living free from the depression that held me down and from the thoughts that tormented me night and day.  PRAISE THE LORD HE JUDGES AND HAS MERCY!  Oh how He loves us!

~Emily :)

p.s. this is the verse that has meant the most to me in the times when depression and suicidal thoughts were being weakened by His love.  (not just these few verses, but the whole chapter is helpful)

Psalm 94: 17-19 "Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.  I cried out, 'I am slipping!' but Your love, O Lord, supported me.  When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." (NLT)

(I also like this version):

"Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” Your love, O LORD, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." (NIV)